Sexy Mind Control Series

I’ve been lovingly researching information and connecting with many people in the sex-therapeutic scene, and after a truly delightful chat today with Bruce, it became clear that we’re very much on the same page about control. It feels deliciously yummy to connect with other people who share something in common with me because I find the conversations mentally stimulating.

When I say control, it isn't control over another person, but control of self.

This is something a lot of women want, even if they don’t yet know how to handle it. Things like asking for their needs, wants, and likes to be met. Speaking up without blaming or martyrdoming away castrating ourselves. Staying present without apologizing. Like if the person gives a “no”. We say thanks and move on without some sort of passive aggressive crap. An example of passive aggression is a man wanting to have sex with his wife while she is asleep. This isn’t taught, even by the most well-intentioned parents, so for many of us, this isn’t a flaw. It’s simply something to be developed.

Now I’m kicked back, relaxed, tucked under the covers, letting my body soften while I write. This is the space where my thinking gets deliciously clear. I’m contemplating how to deliver these skills in a way that feels inviting, embodied, and alive for you.

I see it as a journey. A walk along a beautiful, lush garden path, where each step offers a quiet piece of wisdom. This series will explore mind control in the bedroom, which, in my opinion, is the most powerful skill to master. When you can guide your attention, stay inside your body, and not disappear into someone else, everything else starts to unfold naturally.

And here’s the best part.

Once you learn this skill, you simply move on to the next one. No big deal. No pressure. No drama. No pulling teeth or hairout. We learn and then move on to something else and keep growing as a human. If you don't learn this, then you fail at relationship depth and have superficial bonding, which leaves most of us with the well dry. This is especially important for anyone who hadn't been in a loving relationship for a long time. Nothing wrong with taking such a lengthy break since for some of us we can love deeply. Yet keeping in mind that there was a break for you with being in a relationship and you may need to be more in tune with working on your mind control skills, that mind control is a valuable skill you will need to develop and cultivate.

I keep reminding and it has mostly stopped now within myself these words, with a smile and a settled body: “I can learn new things.”

And that feels very, very good. Most people think their sex life is about their partner. It isn’t. It’s about who is running your nervous system in the moment.

I see this pattern constantly, especially in people with a preoccupied attachment style. Their attention is locked outward. They are tracking their partner’s reactions, approval, pleasure, disappointment. They call this care. It’s not. It’s hypervigilance.

And hypervigilance kills pleasure.

When your focus is on managing someone else, there is no space for you to exist. Your body becomes an instrument. Your mind becomes a control tower. You are present physically, but neurologically, you are on duty.